Thinking Deeply

I was reading my friend Holly's
blog and she had one of Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts on there...I had forgotten about good ol' Jack and decided to look some up. The girls and I were laughing our heads off and decided to post our favorites for you to enjoy:

• If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.

• I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?

• The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."

• I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

• One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

*The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

*To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

*If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

*Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

*If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

*If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

*If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

*If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.


*Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

*Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself, "Man! I really need to fix that roof."

*If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

*Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

*Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

*It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

*If you're in the war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw on of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

*You know one thing that will make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

*If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him

*At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be “Clark Kent, Dentist,” because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, “How's my back tooth?” and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, “Oh it's okay,” then the patient would probably say, “Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?” and you'd say, “Aw stupid you, get outta here,” and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill

*Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

*I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”

*I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

*To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

*If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

*If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

*Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

*If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

*Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like

*Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

*The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, “Oh, you mean this?” and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

*A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

*If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

*If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

*One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.

*I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a million ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.


*Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

*If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.

*When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, “No speaka English.”

*Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.

*I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain because later, you might think you're having a good idea but it's really just the eggs hatching.

*I'd like to see a James Bond movie where James Bond gets behind financially and maybe has to take out a bill consolidation loan, because even when he's applying for the loan he's still real smart-alecky.

*When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street, at first I felt sorry for him. But then when I saw what was in his cart I thought, Well, no wonder you're a bum, look at the dumb things you bought.

*Kids don't need expensive new toys to have fun. A lot of times we would have just as much fun getting in my dad's car and letting off the emergency brake and just seeing where the car would go before it stopped.

*You know something that would really make applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!