New Years Resolutions

Having trouble deciding on your New Years resolutions? Here are a few I'm thinking about doing...

I will no longer park the BMW

next to fire hydrants...actually, I don't own a BMW, so if YOU do, this would be a good one for you...otherwise, feel free to insert whatever car you wish...

I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.

I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.( This is Lance's....)

I will always "check for paper"
when leaving the restroom...or in my mom and sisters' case, inform someone when they have failed to check themselves....(remember Mt. Rushmore?)

I will always replace the gas nozzle
before driving away from the pump...although with the price of gas these days, we should be able to drive away with SOMETHING! ( I hope this guy isn't planning to park by a fire hydrant..)

And NEVER again will I try to diffuse an explosive device with a known practical joker standing behind me...nor will I believe him when he says, "I got your back!"

Here are a few other things to consider when setting New Years Resolutions:

1. BE REALISTIC.

Many people give up because they “set their sights too high.” In making a New Year’s resolution, pick a goal that you can reasonably expect to attain, as we see in these examples:

Unrealistic Goal: “In the next month, I will lose 25 pounds.”

Realistic Goal: “Over the next year, taking it an ounce or two at a time, I will gain 25 pounds, and my face will bloat like a military life raft.”

Unrealistic Goal: “I will learn to speak Chinese.”

Realistic Goal: “I will order some Chinese food.”

Unrealistic Goal: “I will read a good book.”

Realistic Goal: “I will examine the outsides of some good books, then waddle over to the part of the bookstore where they sell pastries.”

2. THINK POSITIVE.

To succeed, you must believe in yourself. Write this motivational statement in large letters on a piece of paper and tape it someplace where you will see it often, such as on the inside of your eyeglasses:

“I CAN do it, and I WILL do it! Starting next year!”

3. LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.

Let’s say that, like millions of weight-conscious Americans, you think you eat sensibly: Your diet consists almost exclusively of mineral water and low-calorie, low-fat foods. And yet you’re still gaining weight. Why? I’ll tell you why: You’re drinking water with minerals in it. Minerals are among the heaviest substances in the universe, second only to guests on The Jerry Springer Show. Think about it: The Appalachian mountains and most major appliances are essentially big wads of minerals, and you’re putting those things into your body. No wonder you’re gaining weight!

FACT: The word “Perrier” is French for “balloon butt.”