Pizza! Pizza!

Now that summer is here, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has thought about ordering pizza at least one a week. My sister sent me some helpful hints for when you are ordering pizza over the phone...making everyone's experience a pleasant one.

-If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person
taking the order to stop doing that.
-Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
-Use CB lingo where applicable.
-Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
-Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
-Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're
going with the lowest bidder.
-Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
-Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
-Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
-Stutter on the letter "p."
-Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for
a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
-Ask what the order taker is wearing.
-Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
-Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
-Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like
drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
-Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
-Change your accent every three seconds.
-Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an
equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
-Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp,
right?"
-Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and
say "No, I don't."
-If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll
be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
-Rent a pizza.
-Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of
relief.
-Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
-Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When
the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the
top of your lungs.
-Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
-Imitate the order taker's voice.
-When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
-Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind
some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise
him/her.
-Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
-Ask to see a menu.
-Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be
ashamed.
-Order a slice, not a whole pizza
-Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
-Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be
included in the pizza.
-Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and
didn't mean it.
-Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
-Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
-Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
-After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate
a cutoff.
-Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my
last entry."
-State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to
get.
-Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
-Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some
two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
-Put them on hold.
-Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I
said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
-Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No
mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
-When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again,
change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
-When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't
we?"
--Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she
says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
-If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
-Ask if the pizza has had its shots.